theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
