I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
