I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
