i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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