I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
