Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
