I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
