he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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