I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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