nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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