Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
