I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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