I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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