i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
