so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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