I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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