Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
