No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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