Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
