Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
