Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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