You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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