I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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