That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
