I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
