I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
