I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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