His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
