Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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