I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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