I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
