my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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