Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
