two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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