he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
