I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
