Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
