my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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