spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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