Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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