Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
