Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
