I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
