that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
