We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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