My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it's great music for shaving your balls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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