Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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