You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
