i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
