Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
